Eccentric Black Women: Recognize That No One Can Define You Or Tell You Who To Date

black women white men interracial


My hair doesn’t curl enough to be ‘nappy’ and it’s not long enough to be considered pretty. I don’t have the span of my hips that would make me the phenomenal woman; sometimes it’s too wide to be loved. I’m too light to be considered colored or too dark for my beauty to be noticed. My IPod is filled with Beyoncè, Pitbull  and Nicki Minaj, but if I rock out to Nickelback I catch a side eye. My speech doesn’t sound like the sister down the block. Yet if I code switch my tones between business and block I am trying too hard to be an acceptable ethnic. I am a woman unable to be defined by a rubric set by my unknown brother. Am I to wander the world undefined and alone? I am a ruthless threat to my own heart by not conforming to a box of standards.  The only one who can see my beauty is the one I was raised to conquer and not connect with. My spirit is colorless and so is my love. Why do we kill ourselves to love men who don’t want us, because we are not the women they were raised to love?

–        Signed  Colorless Women 

Ladies we are defined by the curves of our lips, plumpness of our breast, and the definition of beauty that only a few of our sisters fit.  We are created as a shell to house the very spirits that show through our peculiar antics that define us as unique. We are raised to be ourselves and step above the norm to attract the powerful men in our respective ethnicities, so that we can continue the history racial pride. Black love, Asian love, Latin love, it’s all love. Why is our love more accepted if we stay linked to men within our own race? There is double standard on men and women to date as many races as possible as long as the spouse is within the same race. It seems that the fear is a partner from another ethnic background will never understand the history of the roots. On the contrary our roots are meant to hold us together not back.

To add to an already annoying double standard we have to meet standards within our own race to be considered beautiful. Black women are supposed to be voluptuous enough to grab onto and love, Asian women are to be slender and well kept, and Latin women fall somewhere in-between.  In these modern times all of these women share the qualities of several ethnic styles to become what we were truly meant to be, original. Even with originality we battle with unexpected jeers from those are supposed to protect us. ‘She’s pretty for a dark girl. She’s yellow enough to be white. ‘She’s pretty but I like a woman with some meat on her.’ The list goes on.  A woman of color isn’t safe within her own culture if she dares to be original. Bald, slender, or thick madams that can cook soul food while belting out lyrics to 3 Doors Down are a threat to their ethnic roots-and for that reason she is powerful. It many cases it seems that only kind of man who is able to accept such power and view her uniqueness as exotic is Caucasian.

By being daring enough to step that far outside of the ‘color realm’, any woman of color displays her power by breaking the ethnic mold and loving limitlessly. Her pride in her culture and in her uniqueness radiates through her style that is easily the envy of anyone around her, and that scares traditional people. She is able to be considered exotic and not unusual by a man that sees what has been fighting to be noticed since the beginning, her spirit. Of course there are men just as original or odd as the unique woman; however it is rare that two people of the same ethnicity are able to love each other for their ‘weirdness’.

Amazingly so, when a woman of color finds love in a race that historically undermined and disenfranchised other ethnicities it is met with an array of infuriating questions. You couldn’t find a good brother? ‘They’ beat us and enslaved us, how could you love one of ‘them’? Do you not love who you are? . These types of questions are ignorant and infuriating in a time when mixed couples are the beautiful new normal; additionally women overall have been historically undercut regardless of race, so if marginalization is colorless shouldn’t love be? The list of questions can easily be answered What You Allow’s Candace Fleming about her love with a White man that does not define who she is as a Black woman.

“I’ve dated black men all my life [and] I still find them attractive. I just happened to meet someone that wanted what I wanted and he happened to be White. We all bleed the same, we all hurt the same, and we all love the same. I’m always going to be myself no matter what. I embrace what’s in my heart and I don’t struggle with who I’m supposed to be. At the end of the day I’m proud of who I’ve become,” Candace stated.

There are still some women who are striving to attract men within the same race, because of the example of love by parents or other successful influences. It remains disheartening when rejection is the only attention given to the unique woman. So is that it? Is it time to give up and be lonely, independent, and unique for the rest of your life? Do we give up on our men of color? Hell no! A woman must take pride in who she is and let that attract the man who is able to take pride in who he is and be fearless in his love. That type of fearless love and pride comes with maturity which transcends all barriers with ethnicity charged standards. If anyone deserves to be loved it is the man who is as inimitable as the woman who finds strength in her personal pride.

So what if my skin is rich in melanin! So what if my hips aren’t wider than my shoulders! So what if my hair is nappy, silky, or matted! I’m a woman ain’t I! My love is deeply rooted between the history that gives me character and individuality that gives me a soul. Never will I ever surrender my spirit, to fit a shallow darkness of impossible standards. My life and love is not meant to be defined as anything but limitless glory. The only battle left to fight is your own with the ignorance that plagues your mind. My exquisiteness is a ruthless threat to the mold created by an unknown architect. Because, I am a woman that is raised to be loved.

–        Signed Colorless Women.

Regal Resource: Beyond Black & White : The Premier Online Magazine for the New Black Woman

I Want to Hear From You:

  • Can you relate?
  • Do you think black men are turned off by eccentric or un-stereotypical women of color?
  • Have you had any experiences with interracial dating? Positive and Negative.

Carmen Fletcher

C.B. Fletcher is a public relations manager and writer in Atlanta, GA with a passion for advising women on different types of relationships through her own experiences and others. Her goal is to inspire people to live fulfilling lives and tell the stories of others who have been accomplished in business, entertainment, spirituality, and most treasured love. C.B. is also a contributing writer to Breath of Life Daily, Ms.Nix In The Mix, and The Urban Realist and aspires to create her own stories in adult and children’s literature.



  1. Great article Carmen! It is true that I found love within another race but I will say that I am very proud of my man for embracing my culture. He loves my dark skin, he loves my curves, and I am constantly told how beautiful I am. Does this make me a sellout? No it does not.
    Candace recently posted…Do Women Really Change After Marriage?My Profile

  2. Within our own race there are stipulations on who we date. I dated a darker toned guy once and when he came over my mom told him he hd the wrong house. She just assumed because he was darker than my exes that he couldn’t have been my choice. Good article! Its a topic that needs to be addressed frequently.

  3. “By being daring enough to step that far outside of the ‘color realm’, any woman of color displays her power by breaking the ethnic mold and loving limitlessly.”

    This statement resonated with me because loving limitlessly allows for expansion of thought in every way. Finding love is a challenge period so putting restraints like color on that search is definitely not something I do when I’m seeking. I don’t believe that it has to be one way or the other: give up on a black man in favor of dating other ethnicities, I agree with you there. Loving someone who shows that their commitment is in loving you and partnering with you to fulfill both of your life goals is more relevant than skin color. Souls are colorless and I believe love is too.
    Jaha Knight recently posted…39 Days to Your New Lifescape – Be a Better YouMy Profile

  4. I absolutely can relate to this article. I’m currently in a happy relationship with a Caucasian man of almost 2 years & I wouldn’t take back my time or experience with him. I could relate to everything you were saying in this article! Thanks for this. A much needed read.


  5. This is amazing! I didn’t realize how many women would relate to this. I’m proud of every woman that is able to embrace who they are regardless of what seemingly binds them. Love with another person is such an immeasurable blessing but never surpasses the confidence, admirable beauty, and love you have for yourself. Be empowered by who you are and the world won’t take their eyes off you.

    All the love!

  6. Carmen! Great write up! As someone who’s in an interracial relationship currently and who’s dated all types of men, I never could wrap my head around the whole dating double standard thing! I feel like individuals who are against it, are living in the past. It’s 2013- don’t let stereotypes and other people’s ideas of what’s right keep you from trying something new!